The ART of SEDUCTION., revealed!
Wanna seduce your girl?
Forget those cheesy pick-up lines and expensive colognes to impress a woman.
The winning formula to land a hot date requires nothing but a straight look into her eyes accompanied by a light touch on her arm, according to a new study. The study, by scientists at Aberdeen University, has found that two-thirds of women gave a nod to dance with a man,who requested for a dance by resting his hand on her arm for a second or two. And those who did not comply with the trick and kept their hands by their side while asking the same question had a success rate of only fifty percent. In fact, women also preferred to give their phone-number to a man who touched their arm as he approached them in the street. Published in Focus Magazine , the study said that touching makes a man appear dominant, and henceforth more attractive to the opposite sex. In fact, researcher Dr Ben Jones said that making eye contact also indicates interest in a woman, but only if it is genuine. "Smiling can make you more attractive but it is worth bearing in mind that faking a smile is quite tricky," the Telegraph quoted Jones, as saying. And those men, who find it hard to fake a smile, are advised by Jones to take extra care of their skin, or stay amidst other women to appear more appealing.
NB: this email is dedicated to all upcoming & struggling 'artists', still need to get their basics right in conquest techniques
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
Baby Macie Hope was born twice
When her mother was six months pregnant, baby Macie Hope was taken out of the womb for life-saving surgery, then returned for 10 more weeks. TODAY’s Ann Curry talks to Macie’s parents, Chad and Keri McCartney, and Dr. Darrell Cass, the fetal surgeon who operated on Macie.
When Chad and Keri McCartney say their infant daughter, Macie Hope, is born again, they aren’t referring to religion — the month-old miracle baby really was born twice.
The first “birth” was about six months into Keri McCartney’s pregnancy, when surgeons at Texas Children’s Hospital took the tiny fetus from Keri’s womb to remove a tumor that would have killed Macie before she was born.
The second time was on May 3, when the McCartneys welcomed their surgically repaired — and perfectly healthy — baby girl into the world.
The happy couple talked exclusively to TODAY’s Ann Curry on Friday from the hospital, where they were joined by Dr. Darrell Cass, the fetal surgeon who led the team that performed a surgery that has been successfully completed fewer than 20 times around the world. In Macie’s case, he said, “We were very, very fortunate. It really turned out perfectly.”
The McCartneys’ story began in Keri’s 23rd week of pregnancy, when the couple took their entire family to their obstetrician’s office to discover the sex of the baby Keri was carrying.
“We had our whole family,” Chad McCartney told Curry. “Our four kids had piled into the van, and we headed to our routine ultrasound to find out what the sex of the baby was going to be. That was the big discussion on the way up, so there was lots of excitement.”
A deadly revelationEveryone went into the ultrasound room, eager to see the image of the fetus displayed on the screen. “All of a sudden the ultrasound tech had a very concerned look on her face,” Chad said. “She rushed our kids out of the room and then informed us there was a large mass on our baby.”
The ultrasound image showed what looked like a balloon growing out of Macie’s tailbone — except that it was full of blood vessels and was as big as the fetus itself. The tumor was noncancerous ... but still deadly.
“This tumor was gigantic,” Cass said. “It was the size of a grapefruit.”
The McCartneys’ obstetrician had never seen such a tumor in all her years of practice. After some research, she discovered that Texas Children’s Hospital in Houston — six hours away from the family’s Laredo home — was one of only three hospitals in the world that specialized in such conditions.
“This is incredibly rare. It’s about one in 40,000 births,” Cass said. “Many times, these tumors
TODAY
Baby Macie’s ultrasound showed the tumor.
can grow and remain small and they don’t really affect the fetus very significantly. In Macie’s instance, this tumor grew incredibly rapidly … and basically it was stealing the blood that her body needed to grow. She would have died if nothing had been done.”
A fitting nameKeri and Chad went home with the desperate prognosis and decided they needed to name their infant right then.
“We both made a decision that we have a name for her, because we had been told that there was less than a 10 percent chance that she was going to make it,” Chad McCartney said, fighting back tears as he told the story. “We wanted to pick a name that would be appropriate, so we named her Macie Hope — because that was all we felt we had.”
They went to Houston for the surgery, which Cass described, with a surgeon’s understatement, as “tricky.”
“It required that Mrs. McCartney went under a very, very deep anesthesia, about seven times deeper than the average operation,” he said. “That’s necessary in order to have the uterus very, very relaxed.”
He and two other surgeons opened Keri’s abdomen and brought her uterus entirely outside her body. “We had to find an area of the uterus that we could open safely so that we didn’t disturb the placenta,” he explained.
When they found such a place, they opened the relaxed womb and extracted about 80 percent of Macie Hope’s body — which weighed no more than a quarter of a pound — leaving just the head and upper body in the womb. Exposing the fetus to the air carried the danger that she would go into cardiac arrest, and the surgeons worked quickly to remove the tumor and return Macie to the safety of the womb.
That part of the four-hour procedure took about 20 minutes. The surgeons then had to carefully close up the uterus so that it would be watertight, to keep the amniotic fluid from leaking out.
“Then we had to hope that the pregnancy was going to last,” Cass added.
Born againThat hope was also answered. Macie Hope didn’t make it the entire nine months, but, Cass said, “The pregnancy lasted another 10 weeks, which allowed Macie to recover from this tumor that had been killing her.”
On May 3, Macie Hope was born again, this time to stay. She and her mother have remained at Texas Medical Center since as they both fully recover from the miracle surgery. Macie still has a large scar on her backside, which surgeons say can be repaired when she gets older.
Keri and Chad McCartney were expecting to take their miracle baby home on Saturday, and they couldn’t have been happier.
“We are doing great,” Keri McCartney told Curry. “I am so excited to think that we’re leaving tomorrow.”
She cradled Macie Hope in her arms. The infant, sporting a thick head of hair, slept through it all, prompting her mother to say, “Obviously she is completely at peace and content with it all.”
When Chad and Keri McCartney say their infant daughter, Macie Hope, is born again, they aren’t referring to religion — the month-old miracle baby really was born twice.
The first “birth” was about six months into Keri McCartney’s pregnancy, when surgeons at Texas Children’s Hospital took the tiny fetus from Keri’s womb to remove a tumor that would have killed Macie before she was born.
The second time was on May 3, when the McCartneys welcomed their surgically repaired — and perfectly healthy — baby girl into the world.
The happy couple talked exclusively to TODAY’s Ann Curry on Friday from the hospital, where they were joined by Dr. Darrell Cass, the fetal surgeon who led the team that performed a surgery that has been successfully completed fewer than 20 times around the world. In Macie’s case, he said, “We were very, very fortunate. It really turned out perfectly.”
The McCartneys’ story began in Keri’s 23rd week of pregnancy, when the couple took their entire family to their obstetrician’s office to discover the sex of the baby Keri was carrying.
“We had our whole family,” Chad McCartney told Curry. “Our four kids had piled into the van, and we headed to our routine ultrasound to find out what the sex of the baby was going to be. That was the big discussion on the way up, so there was lots of excitement.”
A deadly revelationEveryone went into the ultrasound room, eager to see the image of the fetus displayed on the screen. “All of a sudden the ultrasound tech had a very concerned look on her face,” Chad said. “She rushed our kids out of the room and then informed us there was a large mass on our baby.”
The ultrasound image showed what looked like a balloon growing out of Macie’s tailbone — except that it was full of blood vessels and was as big as the fetus itself. The tumor was noncancerous ... but still deadly.
“This tumor was gigantic,” Cass said. “It was the size of a grapefruit.”
The McCartneys’ obstetrician had never seen such a tumor in all her years of practice. After some research, she discovered that Texas Children’s Hospital in Houston — six hours away from the family’s Laredo home — was one of only three hospitals in the world that specialized in such conditions.
“This is incredibly rare. It’s about one in 40,000 births,” Cass said. “Many times, these tumors
TODAY
Baby Macie’s ultrasound showed the tumor.
can grow and remain small and they don’t really affect the fetus very significantly. In Macie’s instance, this tumor grew incredibly rapidly … and basically it was stealing the blood that her body needed to grow. She would have died if nothing had been done.”
A fitting nameKeri and Chad went home with the desperate prognosis and decided they needed to name their infant right then.
“We both made a decision that we have a name for her, because we had been told that there was less than a 10 percent chance that she was going to make it,” Chad McCartney said, fighting back tears as he told the story. “We wanted to pick a name that would be appropriate, so we named her Macie Hope — because that was all we felt we had.”
They went to Houston for the surgery, which Cass described, with a surgeon’s understatement, as “tricky.”
“It required that Mrs. McCartney went under a very, very deep anesthesia, about seven times deeper than the average operation,” he said. “That’s necessary in order to have the uterus very, very relaxed.”
He and two other surgeons opened Keri’s abdomen and brought her uterus entirely outside her body. “We had to find an area of the uterus that we could open safely so that we didn’t disturb the placenta,” he explained.
When they found such a place, they opened the relaxed womb and extracted about 80 percent of Macie Hope’s body — which weighed no more than a quarter of a pound — leaving just the head and upper body in the womb. Exposing the fetus to the air carried the danger that she would go into cardiac arrest, and the surgeons worked quickly to remove the tumor and return Macie to the safety of the womb.
That part of the four-hour procedure took about 20 minutes. The surgeons then had to carefully close up the uterus so that it would be watertight, to keep the amniotic fluid from leaking out.
“Then we had to hope that the pregnancy was going to last,” Cass added.
Born againThat hope was also answered. Macie Hope didn’t make it the entire nine months, but, Cass said, “The pregnancy lasted another 10 weeks, which allowed Macie to recover from this tumor that had been killing her.”
On May 3, Macie Hope was born again, this time to stay. She and her mother have remained at Texas Medical Center since as they both fully recover from the miracle surgery. Macie still has a large scar on her backside, which surgeons say can be repaired when she gets older.
Keri and Chad McCartney were expecting to take their miracle baby home on Saturday, and they couldn’t have been happier.
“We are doing great,” Keri McCartney told Curry. “I am so excited to think that we’re leaving tomorrow.”
She cradled Macie Hope in her arms. The infant, sporting a thick head of hair, slept through it all, prompting her mother to say, “Obviously she is completely at peace and content with it all.”
Food as Medicine
HEADACHE? EAT FISH! Eat plenty of fish -- fish oil helps prevent headaches.
So does ginger, which reduces inflammation and pain.
HAY FEVER? EAT YOGURT! Eat lots of yogurt before pollen season. Also-eat honey from your area (local region) daily.
TO PREVENT STROKE DRINK TEA! Prevent buildup of fatty deposits on artery walls with regular doses of tea.. (actually, tea suppresses my appetite and keeps the pounds from invading....Green tea is great for our immune system)!
INSOMNIA (CAN'T SLEEP?) HONEY! Use honey as a tranquilizer and sedative.
ASTHMA? EAT ONIONS!!!! Eating onions helps ease constriction of bronchial tubes. (when I was young, my mother would make onion packs to place on our chest, helped the respiratory ailments and actually made us breathe better).
ARTHRITIS? EAT FISH, TOO!! Salmon, tuna, mackerel and sardines actually prevent arthritis. (fish has omega oils, good for our immune system)
UPSET STOMACH? BANANAS - GINGER!!!!! Bananas will settle an upset stomach. Ginger will cure morning sickness and nausea.
BLADDER INFECTION? DRINK CRANBERRY JUICE!!!! High-acid cranberry juice controls harmful bacteria.
BONE PROBLEMS? EAT PINEAPPLE!!! Bone fractures and osteoporosis can be prevented by the manganese in pineapple.
PREMENSTRUAL SYNDROME? EAT CORNFLAKES!!!! Women can ward off the effects of PMS with cornflakes, which help reduce depression, anxiety and fatigue.
MEMORY PROBLEMS? EAT OYSTERS! Oysters help improve your mental functioning by supplying much-needed zinc.
COLDS? EAT GARLIC! Clear up that stuffy head with garlic. (remember, garlic lowers cholesterol, too.)
COUGHING? USE RED PEPPERS!! A substance similar to that found in the cough syrups is found in hot red pepper. Use red (cayenne) pepper with caution-it can irritate your tummy.
BREAST CANCER? EAT Wheat, bran and cabbage Helps to maintain estrogen at healthy levels.
LUNG CANCER? EAT DARK GREEN AND ORANGE AND VEGGIES!!! A good antidote is beta carotene, a form of Vitamin A found in dark green and orange vegetables.
ULCERS? EAT CABBAGE ALSO!!! Cabbage contains chemicals that help heal both gastric and duodenal ulcers.
DIARRHEA? EAT APPLES! Grate an apple with its skin, let it turn brown and eat it to cure this condition. (Bananas are good for this ailment)
CLOGGED ARTERIES? EAT AVOCADO! Mono unsaturated fat in avocados lowers cholesterol.
HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE? EAT CELERY AND OLIVE OIL!!! Olive oil has been shown to lower blood pressure. Celery contains a chemical that lowers pressure too.
BLOOD SUGAR IMBALANCE? EAT BROCCOLI AND PEANUTS!!! The chromium in broccoli and peanuts helps regulate insulin and blood sugar.
Kiwi: Tiny but mighty. This is a good source of potassium, magnesium, Vitamin E & fiber. It's Vitamin C content is twice that of an orange.
Apple: An apple a day keeps the doctor away? Although an apple has a low Vitamin C content, it has antioxidants & flavonoids which enhances the activity of Vitamin C thereby helping to lower the risks of colon cancer, heart attack & stroke.
Strawberry: Protective fruit. Strawberries have the highest total antioxidant power among major fruits & protects the body from cancer causing, blood vessels clogging free radicals. (Actually, any berry is good for you..they're high in anti-oxidants and they actually keep us young.........blueberries are the best and very versatile in the health field........they get rid of all the free-radicals that invade our bodies)
Orange: Sweetest medicine. Taking 2 - 4 oranges a day may help keep colds away, lower cholesterol, prevent & dissolve kidney stones as well as lessen the risk of colon cancer.
Watermelon: Coolest Thirst Quencher. Composed of 92% water, it is also packed with a giant dose of glutathione which helps boost our immune system. They are also a key source of lycopene - the cancer fighting oxidant. Other nutrients found in watermelon are Vitamin C & Potassium. (watermelon also has natural substances [natural SPF sources] that keep our skin healthy, protecting our skin from those darn uv rays)
Guava & Papaya: Top awards for Vitamin C. They are the clear winners for their high Vitamin C content. Guava is also rich in fiber which helps prevent constipation. Papaya is rich in carotene, this is good for your eyes. (also good for gas and indigestion)
Tomatoes are very good as a preventative measure for men, keeps those prostate problems from invading their bodies.
So does ginger, which reduces inflammation and pain.
HAY FEVER? EAT YOGURT! Eat lots of yogurt before pollen season. Also-eat honey from your area (local region) daily.
TO PREVENT STROKE DRINK TEA! Prevent buildup of fatty deposits on artery walls with regular doses of tea.. (actually, tea suppresses my appetite and keeps the pounds from invading....Green tea is great for our immune system)!
INSOMNIA (CAN'T SLEEP?) HONEY! Use honey as a tranquilizer and sedative.
ASTHMA? EAT ONIONS!!!! Eating onions helps ease constriction of bronchial tubes. (when I was young, my mother would make onion packs to place on our chest, helped the respiratory ailments and actually made us breathe better).
ARTHRITIS? EAT FISH, TOO!! Salmon, tuna, mackerel and sardines actually prevent arthritis. (fish has omega oils, good for our immune system)
UPSET STOMACH? BANANAS - GINGER!!!!! Bananas will settle an upset stomach. Ginger will cure morning sickness and nausea.
BLADDER INFECTION? DRINK CRANBERRY JUICE!!!! High-acid cranberry juice controls harmful bacteria.
BONE PROBLEMS? EAT PINEAPPLE!!! Bone fractures and osteoporosis can be prevented by the manganese in pineapple.
PREMENSTRUAL SYNDROME? EAT CORNFLAKES!!!! Women can ward off the effects of PMS with cornflakes, which help reduce depression, anxiety and fatigue.
MEMORY PROBLEMS? EAT OYSTERS! Oysters help improve your mental functioning by supplying much-needed zinc.
COLDS? EAT GARLIC! Clear up that stuffy head with garlic. (remember, garlic lowers cholesterol, too.)
COUGHING? USE RED PEPPERS!! A substance similar to that found in the cough syrups is found in hot red pepper. Use red (cayenne) pepper with caution-it can irritate your tummy.
BREAST CANCER? EAT Wheat, bran and cabbage Helps to maintain estrogen at healthy levels.
LUNG CANCER? EAT DARK GREEN AND ORANGE AND VEGGIES!!! A good antidote is beta carotene, a form of Vitamin A found in dark green and orange vegetables.
ULCERS? EAT CABBAGE ALSO!!! Cabbage contains chemicals that help heal both gastric and duodenal ulcers.
DIARRHEA? EAT APPLES! Grate an apple with its skin, let it turn brown and eat it to cure this condition. (Bananas are good for this ailment)
CLOGGED ARTERIES? EAT AVOCADO! Mono unsaturated fat in avocados lowers cholesterol.
HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE? EAT CELERY AND OLIVE OIL!!! Olive oil has been shown to lower blood pressure. Celery contains a chemical that lowers pressure too.
BLOOD SUGAR IMBALANCE? EAT BROCCOLI AND PEANUTS!!! The chromium in broccoli and peanuts helps regulate insulin and blood sugar.
Kiwi: Tiny but mighty. This is a good source of potassium, magnesium, Vitamin E & fiber. It's Vitamin C content is twice that of an orange.
Apple: An apple a day keeps the doctor away? Although an apple has a low Vitamin C content, it has antioxidants & flavonoids which enhances the activity of Vitamin C thereby helping to lower the risks of colon cancer, heart attack & stroke.
Strawberry: Protective fruit. Strawberries have the highest total antioxidant power among major fruits & protects the body from cancer causing, blood vessels clogging free radicals. (Actually, any berry is good for you..they're high in anti-oxidants and they actually keep us young.........blueberries are the best and very versatile in the health field........they get rid of all the free-radicals that invade our bodies)
Orange: Sweetest medicine. Taking 2 - 4 oranges a day may help keep colds away, lower cholesterol, prevent & dissolve kidney stones as well as lessen the risk of colon cancer.
Watermelon: Coolest Thirst Quencher. Composed of 92% water, it is also packed with a giant dose of glutathione which helps boost our immune system. They are also a key source of lycopene - the cancer fighting oxidant. Other nutrients found in watermelon are Vitamin C & Potassium. (watermelon also has natural substances [natural SPF sources] that keep our skin healthy, protecting our skin from those darn uv rays)
Guava & Papaya: Top awards for Vitamin C. They are the clear winners for their high Vitamin C content. Guava is also rich in fiber which helps prevent constipation. Papaya is rich in carotene, this is good for your eyes. (also good for gas and indigestion)
Tomatoes are very good as a preventative measure for men, keeps those prostate problems from invading their bodies.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Why Positive Thinking Doesn't Work?
There was someone I used to work with who, well aware
of their tendency to look at the negative side of things,
used to constantly tell themselves to "think more
positively".
This was said with such a feeling of desperation that I just
knew that not only would they NOT think positively, they
would probably go even further into negative thinking. The
mere fact that they kept pushing themselves to "think
positively" was a sign that this would ultimately be
counterproductive.
So many of us have interpreted the desire to be positive
thinkers in a very narrow and ultimately ineffective way.
The push to be positive often results in ignoring our
true feelings. Instead of recognizing that we don't always
feel positive and learning how to convert and turn round our
feelings, it so often ends up with us denying them
altogether.
The Law of Attraction, as defined by Abraham Hicks states
that "you attract to yourself what you give your attention
and energy to, whether wanted or unwanted".
One reason why positive thinking doesn't work is that our
focus is in the wrong place. So we say "I don't want to be
ill" and believe that this thought will prevent us from
being ill. So where is our focus? On being ill!
Because the Universe doesn't recognize "not" or "don't".
How many times have you told yourself NOT to forget
something and then what happens? Oops you've forgotten it!
Another reason why positive thinking doesn't work is that we
often veil our negative feelings with a positive surface.
So we say "I want a loving relationship". Sounds good
right? Except that underneath there is the hidden message
that having a loving relationship wouldn't even be an issue
- unless you'd been in one or a series of not so loving
relationships.
So it's the hidden message and negative feeling around it,
that is still coming through. Ultimately, you're still
pushing against something and it's still
counterproductive. You're likely to attract more unloving
relationships, even though you THINK you've stated
otherwise.
How can you begin to reverse this? Rather than focusing on
your thoughts, focus on your feelings about a given
situation or what you would like the situation to be. Start
to visualise and sense what you truly desire. Focus on
ramping up good, positive, energetic feelings about what
you desire, rather than the thought.
Practically you can do this by building a "creation box" of
pictures, ideas, notes, to stimulate your imagination of how
you'd like things to be. Appreciating lifes abundance in
what you already have by keeping an appreciation journal,
feeling and acting like the prosperous person you actually
are and channelling your good feelings into what you desire.
In fact, instead of being a positive thinker, aim to become
a positive feeler - it's much more visceral and real. Live
your life as though you already have what you desire and
you'll make way for it to come to you.
Julie Plenty helps writers, artists and photographers
prosper in their business by helping them build a strong
personal foundation, because they ARE their business. For
more self growth and personal development articles, and to
sign up for her Life Design newsletter, visit:
http://www.self-help-personal-development.com
of their tendency to look at the negative side of things,
used to constantly tell themselves to "think more
positively".
This was said with such a feeling of desperation that I just
knew that not only would they NOT think positively, they
would probably go even further into negative thinking. The
mere fact that they kept pushing themselves to "think
positively" was a sign that this would ultimately be
counterproductive.
So many of us have interpreted the desire to be positive
thinkers in a very narrow and ultimately ineffective way.
The push to be positive often results in ignoring our
true feelings. Instead of recognizing that we don't always
feel positive and learning how to convert and turn round our
feelings, it so often ends up with us denying them
altogether.
The Law of Attraction, as defined by Abraham Hicks states
that "you attract to yourself what you give your attention
and energy to, whether wanted or unwanted".
One reason why positive thinking doesn't work is that our
focus is in the wrong place. So we say "I don't want to be
ill" and believe that this thought will prevent us from
being ill. So where is our focus? On being ill!
Because the Universe doesn't recognize "not" or "don't".
How many times have you told yourself NOT to forget
something and then what happens? Oops you've forgotten it!
Another reason why positive thinking doesn't work is that we
often veil our negative feelings with a positive surface.
So we say "I want a loving relationship". Sounds good
right? Except that underneath there is the hidden message
that having a loving relationship wouldn't even be an issue
- unless you'd been in one or a series of not so loving
relationships.
So it's the hidden message and negative feeling around it,
that is still coming through. Ultimately, you're still
pushing against something and it's still
counterproductive. You're likely to attract more unloving
relationships, even though you THINK you've stated
otherwise.
How can you begin to reverse this? Rather than focusing on
your thoughts, focus on your feelings about a given
situation or what you would like the situation to be. Start
to visualise and sense what you truly desire. Focus on
ramping up good, positive, energetic feelings about what
you desire, rather than the thought.
Practically you can do this by building a "creation box" of
pictures, ideas, notes, to stimulate your imagination of how
you'd like things to be. Appreciating lifes abundance in
what you already have by keeping an appreciation journal,
feeling and acting like the prosperous person you actually
are and channelling your good feelings into what you desire.
In fact, instead of being a positive thinker, aim to become
a positive feeler - it's much more visceral and real. Live
your life as though you already have what you desire and
you'll make way for it to come to you.
Julie Plenty helps writers, artists and photographers
prosper in their business by helping them build a strong
personal foundation, because they ARE their business. For
more self growth and personal development articles, and to
sign up for her Life Design newsletter, visit:
http://www.self-help-personal-development.com
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
The 75 Skills Every Man Should Master
The 75 Skills Every Man Should Master
A man can be expert in nothing, but he must be practiced in many things. Skills. You don't have to master them all at once. You simply have to collect and develop a certain number of skills as the years tick by. People count on you to come through. That's why you need these, to start.
By Tom Chiarella
A Man Should Be Able To:
1. Give advice that matters in one sentence. I got run out of a job I liked once, and while it was happening, a guy stopped me in the hall. Smart guy, but prone to saying too much. I braced myself. I didn't want to hear it. I needed a white knight, and I knew it wasn't him. He just sighed and said: When nobody has your back, you gotta move your back. Then he walked away. Best advice I ever got. One sentence.
2. Tell if someone is lying. Everyone has his theory. Pick one, test it. Choose the tells that work for you. I like these: Liars change the subject quickly. Liars look up and to their right when they speak. Liars use fewer contractions. Liars will sometimes stare straight at you and employ a dead face. Liars never touch their chest or heart except self-consciously. Liars place objects between themselves and you during a conversation.
3. Take a photo. Fill the frame.
4. Score a baseball game. Scoring a game is an exercise in ciphering, creating a shorthand of your very own. In this way, it's a private language as much as a record of the game. The only given is the numbering of the positions and the use of the diamond to express each batter's progress around the bases. I black out the diamond when a run scores. I mark an RBI with a tally mark in the upper-right-hand corner. Each time you score a game, you pick up on new elements to track: pitch count, balls and strikes, foul balls. It doesn't matter that this information is available on the Internet in real time. Scoring a game is about bearing witness, expanding your own ability to observe.
5. Name a book that matters. The Catcher in the Rye does not matter. Not really. You gotta read.
6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible. One guy at your table knows where Cobain was born and who his high school English teacher was. Another guy can argue the elegant extended trope of Liquid Swords with GZA himself. This is how it should be. Music does not demand agreement. Rilo Kiley. Nina Simone. Whitesnake. Fugazi. Otis Redding. Whatever. Choose. Nobody likes a know-it-all, because 1) you can't know it all and 2) music offers distinct and private lessons. So pick one. Except Rilo Kiley. I heard they broke up.
7. Cook meat somewhere other than the grill. Buy The Way to Cook, by Julia Child. Try roasting. Braising. Broiling. Slow-cooking. Pan searing. Think ragouts, fricassees, stews. All of this will force you to understand the functionality of different cuts. In the end, grilling will be a choice rather than a chore, and your Weber will become a tool rather than a piece of weekend entertainment.
8. Not monopolize the conversation.
9. Write a letter. So easy. So easily forgotten. A five-paragraph structure works pretty well: Tell why you're writing. Offer details. Ask questions. Give news. Add a specific memory or two. If your handwriting is terrible, type. Always close formally.
10. Buy a suit. Avoid bargains. Know your likes, your dislikes, and what you need it for (work, funerals, court). Squeeze the fabric — if it bounces back with little or no sign of wrinkling, that means it's good, sturdy material. And tug the buttons gently. If they feel loose or wobbly, that means they're probably coming off sooner rather than later. The jacket's shoulder pads are supposed to square with your shoulders; if they droop off or leave dents in the cloth, the jacket's too big. The jacket sleeves should never meet the wrist any lower than the base of the thumb — if they do, ask to go down a size. Always get fitted.
11. Swim three different strokes. Doggie paddle doesn't count.
12. Show respect without being a suck-up. Respect the following, in this order: age, experience, record, reputation. Don't mention any of it.
13. Throw a punch. Close enough, but not too close. Swing with your shoulders, not your arm. Long punches rarely land squarely. So forget the roundhouse. You don't have a haymaker. Follow through; don't pop and pull back. The length you give the punch should come in the form of extension after the point of contact. Just remember, the bones in your hand are small and easy to break. You're better off striking hard with the heel of your palm. Or you could buy the guy a beer and talk it out.
14. Chop down a tree. Know your escape path. When the tree starts to fall, use it.
15. Calculate square footage. Width times length.
16. Tie a bow tie.
17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well. When I interviewed for my first job, one of the senior guys had me to his house for a reception. He offered me a cigarette and pointed me to a bowl of whiskey sours, like I was Darrin Stephens and he was Larry Tate. I can still remember that first tight little swallow and my gratitude that I could go back for a refill without looking like a drunk. I came to admire the host over the next decade, but he never gave me the recipe. So I use this:
• For every 750-ml bottle of whiskey (use a decent bourbon or rye), add:
• 6 oz fresh-squeezed, strained lemon juice
• 6 oz simple syrup(mix superfine sugar and water in equal quantities)
To serve: Shake 3 oz per person with ice and strain into chilled cocktail glasses. Garnish with a cherry and an orange slice or, if you're really slick, a float of red wine. (Pour about ½ oz slowly into each glass over the back of a spoon; this is called a New York sour, and it's great.)
18. Speak a foreign language. Pas beaucoup. Mais faites un effort.
19. Approach a woman out of his league. Ever have a shoeshine from a guy you really admire? He works hard enough that he doesn't have to tell stupid jokes; he doesn't stare at your legs; he knows things you don't, but he doesn't talk about them every minute; he doesn't scrape or apologize for his status or his job or the way he is dressed; he does his job confidently and with a quiet relish. That stuff is wildly inviting. Act like that guy.
20. Sew a button.
21. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer. Once, in our lifetime, much of Europe was approaching cultural and political irrelevance. Then they made like us and banded together into a union of confederated states. So you can always assume that they were simply copying the United States as they now push us to the verge of cultural and political irrelevance.
22. Give a woman an orgasm so that he doesn't have to ask after it. Otherwise, ask after it.
23. Be loyal. You will fail at it. You have already. A man who does not know loyalty, from both ends, does not know men. Loyalty is not a matter of give-and-take: He did me a favor, therefore I owe him one. No. No. No. It is the recognition of a bond, the honoring of a shared history, the reemergence of the vows we make in the tight times. It doesn't mean complete agreement or invisible blood ties. It is a currency of selflessness, given without expectation and capable of the most stellar return.
24. Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope. Brand, amount, style, fast, like so: Booker's, double, neat.
25. Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it. Use a contractor's hammer. Swing hard and loose, like a tennis serve.
26. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat.
27. Play gin with an old guy. Old men will try to crush you. They'll drown you in meaningless chatter, tell stories about when they were kids this or in Korea that. Or they'll retreat into a taciturn posture designed to get you to do the talking. They'll note your strategies without mentioning them, keep the stakes at a level they can control, and change up their pace of play just to get you stumbling. You have to do this — play their game, be it dominoes or cribbage or chess. They may have been playing for decades. You take a beating as a means of absorbing the lessons they've learned without taking a lesson. But don't be afraid to take them down. They can handle it.
28. Play go fish with a kid. You don't crush kids. You talk their ear off, make an event out of it, tell them stories about when you were a kid this or in Vegas that. You have to play their game, too, even though they may have been playing only for weeks. Observe. Teach them without once offering a lesson. And don't be afraid to win. They can handle it.
29. Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped. Sometimes the laws of physics aren't laws at all. Read The Quantum World: Quantum Physics for Everyone, by Kenneth W. Ford.
30. Feign interest. Good place to start: quantum physics.
31. Make a bed.
32. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick. I once stood in a wine store in West Hollywood where the owner described a pinot noir he favored as "a night walk through a wet garden." I bought it. I went to my hotel and drank it by myself, looking at the flickering city with my feet on the windowsill. I don't know which was more right, the wine or the vision that he placed in my head. Point is, it was right.
33. Hit a jump shot in pool. It's not something you use a lot, but when you hit a jump shot, it marks you as a player and briefly impresses women. Make the angle of your cue steeper, aim for the bottommost fraction of the ball, and drive the cue smoothly six inches past the contact point, making steady, downward contact with the felt.
34. Dress a wound. First, stop the bleeding. Apply pressure using a gauze pad. Stay with the pressure. If you can't stop the bleeding, forget the next step, just get to a hospital. Once the bleeding stops, clean the wound. Use water or saline solution; a little soap is good, too. If you can't get the wound clean, then forget the next step, just get to a hospital. Finally, dress the wound. For a laceration, push the edges together and apply a butterfly bandage. For avulsions, where the skin is punctured and pulled back like a trapdoor, push the skin back and use a butterfly. Slather the area in antibacterial ointment. Cover the wound with a gauze pad taped into place. Change that dressing every 12 hours, checking carefully for signs of infection. Better yet, get to a hospital.
35. Jump-start a car (without any drama). Change a flat tire (safely). Change the oil (once).
36. Make three different bets at a craps table. Play the smallest and most poorly labeled areas, the bets where it's visually evident the casino doesn't want you to go. Simply play the pass line; once the point is set, play full odds (this is the only really good bet on the table); and when you want a little more action, tell the crew you want to lay the 4 and the 10 for the minimum bet.
37. Shuffle a deck of cards. I play cards with guys who can't shuffle, and they lose. Always.
38. Tell a joke. Here's one:
Two guys are walking down a dark alley when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, one guy turns to the other, hands him a bill, and says, "Hey, here's that $20 I owe you."
39. Know when to split his cards in blackjack. Aces. Eights. Always.
40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he will hear. Use his first name. Don't use baby talk. Don't crank up your energy to match his. Ask questions and wait for answers. Follow up. Don't pretend to be interested in Webkinz or Power Rangers or whatever. He's as bored with that sh** as you are. Concentrate instead on seeing the child as a person of his own.
41. Speak to a waiter so he will hear. You don't own the restaurant, so don't act like it. You own the transaction. So don't speak into the menu. Lift your chin. Make eye contact. All restaurants have secrets — let it be known that you expect to see some of them.
42. Talk to a dog so it will hear. Go ahead, use baby talk.
43. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help. Just turn off the damned main.
44. Ask for help. Guys who refuse to ask for help are the most cursed men of all. The stubborn, the self-possessed, and the distant. The hell with them.
45. Break another man's grip on his wrist. Rotate your arm rapidly in the grip, toward the other guy's thumb.
46. Tell a woman's dress size.
47. Recite one poem from memory. Here you go:
WHEN YOU ARE OLD
When you are old and gray and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;
How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;
And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.
—William Butler Yeats
48. Remove a stain. Blot. Always blot.
49. Say no.
50. Fry an egg sunny-side up. Cook until the white appears solid . . . and no longer.
51. Build a campfire.
There are three components:
• The tinder — bone-dry, snappable twigs, about as long as your hand. You need two complete handfuls. Try birch bark; it burns long and hot.
• The kindling — thick as your thumb, long as your forearm, breakable with two hands. You need two armfuls.
• Fuel wood — anything thick and long enough that it can't be broken by hand. It's okay if it's slightly damp. You need a knee-high stack.
Step 1:Light the tinder, turning the pile gently to get air underneath it.
Step 2: Feed the kindling into the emergent fire with some pace.
Step 3: Lay on the fuel wood. Pyramid, the log cabin, what-ever — the idea is to create some kind of structure so that plenty of air gets to the fire.
52. Step into a job no one wants to do. When I was 13, my dad called me into his office at the large urban mall he ran. He was on the phone. What followed was a fairly banal 15-minute conversation, which involved the collection of rent from a store. On and on, droning about store hours and lighting problems. I kept raising my eyebrows, pretending to stand up, and my dad kept waving me down. I could hear only his end, garrulous and unrelenting. He rolled his eyes as the excuses kept coming. His assertions were simple and to the point, like a drumbeat. He wanted the rent. He wanted the store to stay open when the mall was open. Then suddenly, having given the job the time it deserved, he put it to an end. "So if I see your gate down next Sunday afternoon, I'm going to get a drill and stick a goddamn bolt in it and lock you down for the next week, right?" When he hung up, rent collected, he took a deep breath. "I've been dreading that call," he said. "Once a week you gotta try something you never would do if you had the choice. Otherwise, why are you here?" So he gave me that. And this . . .
53. Sometimes, kick some ass.
54. Break up a fight. Work in pairs if possible. Don't get between people initially. Use the back of the collar, pull and urge the person downward. If you can't get him down, work for distance.
55. Point to the north at any time. If you have a watch, you can point the hour hand at the sun. Then find the point directly between the hour hand and the 12. That's south. The opposite direction is, of course, north.
56. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person.
57. Explain what a light-year is. It's the measure of the distance that light travels over 365.25 days.
58. Avoid boredom. You have enough to eat. You can move. This must be acknowledged as a kind of freedom. You don't always have to buy things, put things in your mouth, or be delighted.
59. Write a thank-you note. Make a habit of it. Follow a simple formula like this one: First line is a thesis statement. The second line is evidentiary. The third is a kind of assertion. Close on an uptick.
Thanks for having me over to watch game six. Even though they won, it's clear the Red Sox are a soulless, overmarketed contrivance of Fox TV. Still, I'm awfully happy you have that huge high-def television. Next time, I really will bring beer. Yours,
60. Be brand loyal to at least one product. It tells a lot about who you are and where you came from. Me? I like Hellman's mayonnaise and Genesee beer, which makes me the fleshy, stubbornly upstate ne'er-do-well that I will always be.
61. Cook bacon. Lay out the bacon on a rack on a baking sheet. Bake at 400 degrees for 15 minutes.
62. Hold a baby. Newborns should be wrapped tightly and held against the chest. They like tight spaces (consider their previous circumstances) and rhythmic movements, so hold them snug, tuck them in the crook of your elbow or against the skin of your neck. Rock your hips like you're bored, barely listening to the music at the edge of a wedding reception. No one has to notice except the baby. Don't breathe all over them.
63. Deliver a eulogy. Take the job seriously. It matters. Speak first to the family, then to the outside world. Write it down. Avoid similes. Don't read poetry. Be funny.
64. Know that Christopher Columbus was a son of a bitch. When I was a kid, because I'm Italian and because the Irish guys in my neighborhood were relentless with the beatings on St. Patrick's Day, I loved the very idea of Christopher Columbus. I loved the fact that Irish kids worshipped some gnome who drove all the rats out of Ireland or whatever, whereas my hero was an explorer. Man, I drank the Kool-Aid on that guy. Of course, I later learned that he was a hand-chopping, land-stealing egotist who sold out an entire hemisphere to European avarice. So I left Columbus behind. Your understanding of your heroes must evolve. See Roger Clemens. See Bill Belichick.
65-67. Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap. Throw a football with a tight spiral. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably. If you can't, play more ball.
68. Find his way out of the woods if lost. Note your landmarks — mountains, power lines, the sound of a highway. Look for the sun: It sits in the south; it moves west. Gauge your direction every few minutes. If you're completely stuck, look for a small creek and follow it downstream. Water flows toward larger bodies of water, where people live.
69. Tie a knot. Square knot: left rope over right rope, turn under. Then right rope over left rope. Tuck under. Pull. Or as my pack leader, Dave Kenyon, told me in a Boy Scouts meeting: "Left over right, right over left. What's so fucking hard about that?"
70. Shake hands. Steady, firm, pump, let go. Use the time to make eye contact, since that's where the social contract begins.
71. Iron a shirt. My uncle Tony the tailor once told me of ironing: Start rough, end gently.
72. Stock an emergency bag for the car. Blanket. Heavy flashlight. Hand warmers. Six bottles of water. Six packs of beef jerky. Atlas. Reflectors. Gloves. Socks. Bandages. Neosporin. Inhaler. Benadryl. Motrin. Hard candy. Telescoping magnet. Screwdriver. Channel-locks. Crescent wrench. Ski hat. Bandanna.
73. Caress a woman's neck. Back of your fingers, in a slow fan.
74. Know some birds. If you can't pay attention to a bird, then you can't learn from detail, you aren't likely to appreciate the beauty of evolution, and you don't have a clue how birdlike your own habits may be. You've been looking at them blindly for years now. Get a guide.
75. Negotiate a better price. Be informed. Know the price of competitors. In a big store, look for a manager. Don't be an a-hole. Use one phrase as your mantra, like "I need a little help with this one." Repeat it, as an invitation to him. Don't beg. Ever. Offer something: your loyalty, your next purchase, even your friendship, and, with the deal done, your gratitude.
Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.
A man can be expert in nothing, but he must be practiced in many things. Skills. You don't have to master them all at once. You simply have to collect and develop a certain number of skills as the years tick by. People count on you to come through. That's why you need these, to start.
By Tom Chiarella
A Man Should Be Able To:
1. Give advice that matters in one sentence. I got run out of a job I liked once, and while it was happening, a guy stopped me in the hall. Smart guy, but prone to saying too much. I braced myself. I didn't want to hear it. I needed a white knight, and I knew it wasn't him. He just sighed and said: When nobody has your back, you gotta move your back. Then he walked away. Best advice I ever got. One sentence.
2. Tell if someone is lying. Everyone has his theory. Pick one, test it. Choose the tells that work for you. I like these: Liars change the subject quickly. Liars look up and to their right when they speak. Liars use fewer contractions. Liars will sometimes stare straight at you and employ a dead face. Liars never touch their chest or heart except self-consciously. Liars place objects between themselves and you during a conversation.
3. Take a photo. Fill the frame.
4. Score a baseball game. Scoring a game is an exercise in ciphering, creating a shorthand of your very own. In this way, it's a private language as much as a record of the game. The only given is the numbering of the positions and the use of the diamond to express each batter's progress around the bases. I black out the diamond when a run scores. I mark an RBI with a tally mark in the upper-right-hand corner. Each time you score a game, you pick up on new elements to track: pitch count, balls and strikes, foul balls. It doesn't matter that this information is available on the Internet in real time. Scoring a game is about bearing witness, expanding your own ability to observe.
5. Name a book that matters. The Catcher in the Rye does not matter. Not really. You gotta read.
6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible. One guy at your table knows where Cobain was born and who his high school English teacher was. Another guy can argue the elegant extended trope of Liquid Swords with GZA himself. This is how it should be. Music does not demand agreement. Rilo Kiley. Nina Simone. Whitesnake. Fugazi. Otis Redding. Whatever. Choose. Nobody likes a know-it-all, because 1) you can't know it all and 2) music offers distinct and private lessons. So pick one. Except Rilo Kiley. I heard they broke up.
7. Cook meat somewhere other than the grill. Buy The Way to Cook, by Julia Child. Try roasting. Braising. Broiling. Slow-cooking. Pan searing. Think ragouts, fricassees, stews. All of this will force you to understand the functionality of different cuts. In the end, grilling will be a choice rather than a chore, and your Weber will become a tool rather than a piece of weekend entertainment.
8. Not monopolize the conversation.
9. Write a letter. So easy. So easily forgotten. A five-paragraph structure works pretty well: Tell why you're writing. Offer details. Ask questions. Give news. Add a specific memory or two. If your handwriting is terrible, type. Always close formally.
10. Buy a suit. Avoid bargains. Know your likes, your dislikes, and what you need it for (work, funerals, court). Squeeze the fabric — if it bounces back with little or no sign of wrinkling, that means it's good, sturdy material. And tug the buttons gently. If they feel loose or wobbly, that means they're probably coming off sooner rather than later. The jacket's shoulder pads are supposed to square with your shoulders; if they droop off or leave dents in the cloth, the jacket's too big. The jacket sleeves should never meet the wrist any lower than the base of the thumb — if they do, ask to go down a size. Always get fitted.
11. Swim three different strokes. Doggie paddle doesn't count.
12. Show respect without being a suck-up. Respect the following, in this order: age, experience, record, reputation. Don't mention any of it.
13. Throw a punch. Close enough, but not too close. Swing with your shoulders, not your arm. Long punches rarely land squarely. So forget the roundhouse. You don't have a haymaker. Follow through; don't pop and pull back. The length you give the punch should come in the form of extension after the point of contact. Just remember, the bones in your hand are small and easy to break. You're better off striking hard with the heel of your palm. Or you could buy the guy a beer and talk it out.
14. Chop down a tree. Know your escape path. When the tree starts to fall, use it.
15. Calculate square footage. Width times length.
16. Tie a bow tie.
17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well. When I interviewed for my first job, one of the senior guys had me to his house for a reception. He offered me a cigarette and pointed me to a bowl of whiskey sours, like I was Darrin Stephens and he was Larry Tate. I can still remember that first tight little swallow and my gratitude that I could go back for a refill without looking like a drunk. I came to admire the host over the next decade, but he never gave me the recipe. So I use this:
• For every 750-ml bottle of whiskey (use a decent bourbon or rye), add:
• 6 oz fresh-squeezed, strained lemon juice
• 6 oz simple syrup(mix superfine sugar and water in equal quantities)
To serve: Shake 3 oz per person with ice and strain into chilled cocktail glasses. Garnish with a cherry and an orange slice or, if you're really slick, a float of red wine. (Pour about ½ oz slowly into each glass over the back of a spoon; this is called a New York sour, and it's great.)
18. Speak a foreign language. Pas beaucoup. Mais faites un effort.
19. Approach a woman out of his league. Ever have a shoeshine from a guy you really admire? He works hard enough that he doesn't have to tell stupid jokes; he doesn't stare at your legs; he knows things you don't, but he doesn't talk about them every minute; he doesn't scrape or apologize for his status or his job or the way he is dressed; he does his job confidently and with a quiet relish. That stuff is wildly inviting. Act like that guy.
20. Sew a button.
21. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer. Once, in our lifetime, much of Europe was approaching cultural and political irrelevance. Then they made like us and banded together into a union of confederated states. So you can always assume that they were simply copying the United States as they now push us to the verge of cultural and political irrelevance.
22. Give a woman an orgasm so that he doesn't have to ask after it. Otherwise, ask after it.
23. Be loyal. You will fail at it. You have already. A man who does not know loyalty, from both ends, does not know men. Loyalty is not a matter of give-and-take: He did me a favor, therefore I owe him one. No. No. No. It is the recognition of a bond, the honoring of a shared history, the reemergence of the vows we make in the tight times. It doesn't mean complete agreement or invisible blood ties. It is a currency of selflessness, given without expectation and capable of the most stellar return.
24. Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope. Brand, amount, style, fast, like so: Booker's, double, neat.
25. Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it. Use a contractor's hammer. Swing hard and loose, like a tennis serve.
26. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat.
27. Play gin with an old guy. Old men will try to crush you. They'll drown you in meaningless chatter, tell stories about when they were kids this or in Korea that. Or they'll retreat into a taciturn posture designed to get you to do the talking. They'll note your strategies without mentioning them, keep the stakes at a level they can control, and change up their pace of play just to get you stumbling. You have to do this — play their game, be it dominoes or cribbage or chess. They may have been playing for decades. You take a beating as a means of absorbing the lessons they've learned without taking a lesson. But don't be afraid to take them down. They can handle it.
28. Play go fish with a kid. You don't crush kids. You talk their ear off, make an event out of it, tell them stories about when you were a kid this or in Vegas that. You have to play their game, too, even though they may have been playing only for weeks. Observe. Teach them without once offering a lesson. And don't be afraid to win. They can handle it.
29. Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped. Sometimes the laws of physics aren't laws at all. Read The Quantum World: Quantum Physics for Everyone, by Kenneth W. Ford.
30. Feign interest. Good place to start: quantum physics.
31. Make a bed.
32. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick. I once stood in a wine store in West Hollywood where the owner described a pinot noir he favored as "a night walk through a wet garden." I bought it. I went to my hotel and drank it by myself, looking at the flickering city with my feet on the windowsill. I don't know which was more right, the wine or the vision that he placed in my head. Point is, it was right.
33. Hit a jump shot in pool. It's not something you use a lot, but when you hit a jump shot, it marks you as a player and briefly impresses women. Make the angle of your cue steeper, aim for the bottommost fraction of the ball, and drive the cue smoothly six inches past the contact point, making steady, downward contact with the felt.
34. Dress a wound. First, stop the bleeding. Apply pressure using a gauze pad. Stay with the pressure. If you can't stop the bleeding, forget the next step, just get to a hospital. Once the bleeding stops, clean the wound. Use water or saline solution; a little soap is good, too. If you can't get the wound clean, then forget the next step, just get to a hospital. Finally, dress the wound. For a laceration, push the edges together and apply a butterfly bandage. For avulsions, where the skin is punctured and pulled back like a trapdoor, push the skin back and use a butterfly. Slather the area in antibacterial ointment. Cover the wound with a gauze pad taped into place. Change that dressing every 12 hours, checking carefully for signs of infection. Better yet, get to a hospital.
35. Jump-start a car (without any drama). Change a flat tire (safely). Change the oil (once).
36. Make three different bets at a craps table. Play the smallest and most poorly labeled areas, the bets where it's visually evident the casino doesn't want you to go. Simply play the pass line; once the point is set, play full odds (this is the only really good bet on the table); and when you want a little more action, tell the crew you want to lay the 4 and the 10 for the minimum bet.
37. Shuffle a deck of cards. I play cards with guys who can't shuffle, and they lose. Always.
38. Tell a joke. Here's one:
Two guys are walking down a dark alley when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, one guy turns to the other, hands him a bill, and says, "Hey, here's that $20 I owe you."
39. Know when to split his cards in blackjack. Aces. Eights. Always.
40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he will hear. Use his first name. Don't use baby talk. Don't crank up your energy to match his. Ask questions and wait for answers. Follow up. Don't pretend to be interested in Webkinz or Power Rangers or whatever. He's as bored with that sh** as you are. Concentrate instead on seeing the child as a person of his own.
41. Speak to a waiter so he will hear. You don't own the restaurant, so don't act like it. You own the transaction. So don't speak into the menu. Lift your chin. Make eye contact. All restaurants have secrets — let it be known that you expect to see some of them.
42. Talk to a dog so it will hear. Go ahead, use baby talk.
43. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help. Just turn off the damned main.
44. Ask for help. Guys who refuse to ask for help are the most cursed men of all. The stubborn, the self-possessed, and the distant. The hell with them.
45. Break another man's grip on his wrist. Rotate your arm rapidly in the grip, toward the other guy's thumb.
46. Tell a woman's dress size.
47. Recite one poem from memory. Here you go:
WHEN YOU ARE OLD
When you are old and gray and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;
How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;
And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.
—William Butler Yeats
48. Remove a stain. Blot. Always blot.
49. Say no.
50. Fry an egg sunny-side up. Cook until the white appears solid . . . and no longer.
51. Build a campfire.
There are three components:
• The tinder — bone-dry, snappable twigs, about as long as your hand. You need two complete handfuls. Try birch bark; it burns long and hot.
• The kindling — thick as your thumb, long as your forearm, breakable with two hands. You need two armfuls.
• Fuel wood — anything thick and long enough that it can't be broken by hand. It's okay if it's slightly damp. You need a knee-high stack.
Step 1:Light the tinder, turning the pile gently to get air underneath it.
Step 2: Feed the kindling into the emergent fire with some pace.
Step 3: Lay on the fuel wood. Pyramid, the log cabin, what-ever — the idea is to create some kind of structure so that plenty of air gets to the fire.
52. Step into a job no one wants to do. When I was 13, my dad called me into his office at the large urban mall he ran. He was on the phone. What followed was a fairly banal 15-minute conversation, which involved the collection of rent from a store. On and on, droning about store hours and lighting problems. I kept raising my eyebrows, pretending to stand up, and my dad kept waving me down. I could hear only his end, garrulous and unrelenting. He rolled his eyes as the excuses kept coming. His assertions were simple and to the point, like a drumbeat. He wanted the rent. He wanted the store to stay open when the mall was open. Then suddenly, having given the job the time it deserved, he put it to an end. "So if I see your gate down next Sunday afternoon, I'm going to get a drill and stick a goddamn bolt in it and lock you down for the next week, right?" When he hung up, rent collected, he took a deep breath. "I've been dreading that call," he said. "Once a week you gotta try something you never would do if you had the choice. Otherwise, why are you here?" So he gave me that. And this . . .
53. Sometimes, kick some ass.
54. Break up a fight. Work in pairs if possible. Don't get between people initially. Use the back of the collar, pull and urge the person downward. If you can't get him down, work for distance.
55. Point to the north at any time. If you have a watch, you can point the hour hand at the sun. Then find the point directly between the hour hand and the 12. That's south. The opposite direction is, of course, north.
56. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person.
57. Explain what a light-year is. It's the measure of the distance that light travels over 365.25 days.
58. Avoid boredom. You have enough to eat. You can move. This must be acknowledged as a kind of freedom. You don't always have to buy things, put things in your mouth, or be delighted.
59. Write a thank-you note. Make a habit of it. Follow a simple formula like this one: First line is a thesis statement. The second line is evidentiary. The third is a kind of assertion. Close on an uptick.
Thanks for having me over to watch game six. Even though they won, it's clear the Red Sox are a soulless, overmarketed contrivance of Fox TV. Still, I'm awfully happy you have that huge high-def television. Next time, I really will bring beer. Yours,
60. Be brand loyal to at least one product. It tells a lot about who you are and where you came from. Me? I like Hellman's mayonnaise and Genesee beer, which makes me the fleshy, stubbornly upstate ne'er-do-well that I will always be.
61. Cook bacon. Lay out the bacon on a rack on a baking sheet. Bake at 400 degrees for 15 minutes.
62. Hold a baby. Newborns should be wrapped tightly and held against the chest. They like tight spaces (consider their previous circumstances) and rhythmic movements, so hold them snug, tuck them in the crook of your elbow or against the skin of your neck. Rock your hips like you're bored, barely listening to the music at the edge of a wedding reception. No one has to notice except the baby. Don't breathe all over them.
63. Deliver a eulogy. Take the job seriously. It matters. Speak first to the family, then to the outside world. Write it down. Avoid similes. Don't read poetry. Be funny.
64. Know that Christopher Columbus was a son of a bitch. When I was a kid, because I'm Italian and because the Irish guys in my neighborhood were relentless with the beatings on St. Patrick's Day, I loved the very idea of Christopher Columbus. I loved the fact that Irish kids worshipped some gnome who drove all the rats out of Ireland or whatever, whereas my hero was an explorer. Man, I drank the Kool-Aid on that guy. Of course, I later learned that he was a hand-chopping, land-stealing egotist who sold out an entire hemisphere to European avarice. So I left Columbus behind. Your understanding of your heroes must evolve. See Roger Clemens. See Bill Belichick.
65-67. Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap. Throw a football with a tight spiral. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably. If you can't, play more ball.
68. Find his way out of the woods if lost. Note your landmarks — mountains, power lines, the sound of a highway. Look for the sun: It sits in the south; it moves west. Gauge your direction every few minutes. If you're completely stuck, look for a small creek and follow it downstream. Water flows toward larger bodies of water, where people live.
69. Tie a knot. Square knot: left rope over right rope, turn under. Then right rope over left rope. Tuck under. Pull. Or as my pack leader, Dave Kenyon, told me in a Boy Scouts meeting: "Left over right, right over left. What's so fucking hard about that?"
70. Shake hands. Steady, firm, pump, let go. Use the time to make eye contact, since that's where the social contract begins.
71. Iron a shirt. My uncle Tony the tailor once told me of ironing: Start rough, end gently.
72. Stock an emergency bag for the car. Blanket. Heavy flashlight. Hand warmers. Six bottles of water. Six packs of beef jerky. Atlas. Reflectors. Gloves. Socks. Bandages. Neosporin. Inhaler. Benadryl. Motrin. Hard candy. Telescoping magnet. Screwdriver. Channel-locks. Crescent wrench. Ski hat. Bandanna.
73. Caress a woman's neck. Back of your fingers, in a slow fan.
74. Know some birds. If you can't pay attention to a bird, then you can't learn from detail, you aren't likely to appreciate the beauty of evolution, and you don't have a clue how birdlike your own habits may be. You've been looking at them blindly for years now. Get a guide.
75. Negotiate a better price. Be informed. Know the price of competitors. In a big store, look for a manager. Don't be an a-hole. Use one phrase as your mantra, like "I need a little help with this one." Repeat it, as an invitation to him. Don't beg. Ever. Offer something: your loyalty, your next purchase, even your friendship, and, with the deal done, your gratitude.
Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Do Woman & Alocohol Mix Well?
Cocktails and Consequences
Studies on the benefits of moderate alcohol consumption abound, but many apply more to men than women. Here are five factors women should consider before they drink.
You could forgive the average woman for being confused about how much alcohol she should be drinking, or even whether she should be drinking at all. Headlines over the last decade have linked moderate alcohol consumption to everything from a higher risk of breast cancer to a lower risk of dementia. Even the notion that pregnant women should never drink may be debatable. Just this month, a British study suggested that binge drinking—on a very occasional basis—might not be harmful to the fetus (though researchers cautioned that more investigation was needed).
As doctors continue to sort through the contradictory evidence, one thing remains certain: decisions about drinking are more loaded for women than for men. "The benefits of alcohol are going to vary by individual, depending on genes and lifestyle," explains Samir Zakhari, director of metabolic research at the National Institute of Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse. "But the risks--which we know much more about—those clearly vary by gender, and are much higher for women." Here's what we know—and don't—about how alcohol affects the female body:
1. Gender Benders
The differences between men and women can be stark when it comes to the way alcohol affects them. For example, if two people, of opposite genders but equal weight drink the same amount and type of alcohol, the woman will get drunker, and stay that way longer.
The reasons come down to basic physiology. Alcohol passes through the digestive tract and is dispersed in the body's water. Because women always have less water in their bodies, the alcohol is less dilute for them. Women's bodies also produce less alcohol dehydrogenase (ADH)—the molecule responsible for breaking alcohol down so that the body can eliminate it. Less water and less ADH means more alcohol stays in the body, for longer periods of time. "It's like taking the same amount of alcohol and putting it into a much smaller glass," explains Michael Charness, a Harvard Medical School neurologist.
This biologic difference not only means that women have to be careful during those infamous college drinking games, but long-term, women are more likely than men to develop alcohol-related liver disease and brain damage. And women are just as likely to develop alcohol-related heart diseases as men, even though they still tend to drink less alcohol over a lifetime.
Intoxicated women are also far more likely to be the victims of date rape or sexual assault than men. And they are more prone to alcohol-induced blackouts, which can make reporting such attacks difficult.
2. The Wine Myth
One of the biggest misconceptions that women fall prey to is the idea that wine is a safer, healthier choice than the fattening, masculine beer we see in commercials. While wine has some appealing ingredients that other alcoholic beverages do not, (namely a group of antioxidants called polyphenolic compounds that come from grape skin), most experts say it's a myth that wine is healthier. All the risks and benefits of an alcoholic beverage come from the alcohol itself," says Zakhari, explaining that the alcoholic content of wine far outweighs the amount of these other ingredients. "So it doesn't really matter whether it's beer or wine or something else."
3. Breast Cancer Caveat
As for the much-studied link between alcohol and breast cancer, no one can say for certain whether one has anything to do with the other. While research reported at September's European Cancer Conference indicated that women who drank heavily (three glasses a day or more) faced a 30 percent higher risk of breast cancer, numerous other studies over the last decade have shown the opposite—that there is no correlation between alcohol and breast cancer. "The studies have been all over the place," says Zakhari. "The bottom line is that we aren't sure, and women who are genetically predisposed to breast cancer should probably drink less if they want to be on the safe side."
4. The Third Trimester
It's no secret that drinking while pregnant can seriously threaten the health of your unborn child—the risk of fetal-alcohol syndrome (FAS) has long been tied to alcohol consumption during the first trimester of pregnancy, when organs and body features are still developing. That being said, many if not most mothers report being cleared by their doctors for a glass of wine or two once they reach the third trimester—and some evidence suggests that as many as 10 percent of pregnant women drink moderately. Now researchers say that FAS-associated brain damage may result from drinking at any point during a pregnancy, including the final weeks.
How much drinking puts an unborn child at risk has divided the American medical community from its European counterpart for decades. While the United States has adopted a precautionary approach, advising women who are or might become pregnant not to drink at all, Europeans have traditionally condoned a couple of drinks towards the end of a pregnancy. This can lead to confusion (and make Americans seem like prudes to their European friends). But with the French now putting warnings about drinking during pregnancy on their wine, those continental attitudes seem to be changing.
5. Drink and Live Longer?
More research is needed before doctors can say for certain whether alcohol does in fact reduce your chances of suffering from type-2 diabetes or dementia. But most experts do agree that a drink a day can offer at least some protection against cardiovascular disease. "The main benefit of alcohol that we can state with any degree of certainty is that it counteracts the narrowing of coronary arteries that comes with age," says Cynthia Bearer, a physician and associate professor at Case Western Reserve University in Ohio "That benefit is going to be seen really only in the older population—people over 50."
With that bit of certainty comes another conundrum: aging also reduces our tolerance for alcohol, most likely by reducing the amount of water in our bodies. Studies have shown that older adults of both sexes reach higher blood-alcohol levels than younger adults who drink the same amount. So reaching the half-century mark doesn't necessarily mean you should party like a rock star. Moderation is still key, at any age.
What's a Wise Woman to Do?
Take a look at the official guidelines and compare them honestly to your own consumption. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) defines moderate drinking as no more than one drink a day for women, and no more than two drinks a day for men. According to a report by the National Institute of Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse (NIAAA), 13 percent of women who drink surpass this one-drink cut off. And roughly 5.3 million women in the United States drink in a way that threatens their health and safety. "I don't think this means that women are over-estimating the benefits of drinking," Zakhari says. "But people who want to drink may use [the reported benefits] as a way to justify their choices."
While the potential benefits of moderate drinking may be equal for both sexes, the risks are higher for women, which means that women need to be more cautious than men at the bar or liquor store. Those with a family history of breast cancer or alcoholism should probably head for the soft-drink aisle instead. Bottom line, says Zakhari: "If you want to drink for pleasure and you can do it in moderation, that's fine. If you want to drink to combat coronary heart disease, well, there are safer, cheaper and more effective ways of doing that." The most obvious examples are diet and exercise, and for osteoporosis, make sure you are getting enough calcium.
Studies on the benefits of moderate alcohol consumption abound, but many apply more to men than women. Here are five factors women should consider before they drink.
You could forgive the average woman for being confused about how much alcohol she should be drinking, or even whether she should be drinking at all. Headlines over the last decade have linked moderate alcohol consumption to everything from a higher risk of breast cancer to a lower risk of dementia. Even the notion that pregnant women should never drink may be debatable. Just this month, a British study suggested that binge drinking—on a very occasional basis—might not be harmful to the fetus (though researchers cautioned that more investigation was needed).
As doctors continue to sort through the contradictory evidence, one thing remains certain: decisions about drinking are more loaded for women than for men. "The benefits of alcohol are going to vary by individual, depending on genes and lifestyle," explains Samir Zakhari, director of metabolic research at the National Institute of Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse. "But the risks--which we know much more about—those clearly vary by gender, and are much higher for women." Here's what we know—and don't—about how alcohol affects the female body:
1. Gender Benders
The differences between men and women can be stark when it comes to the way alcohol affects them. For example, if two people, of opposite genders but equal weight drink the same amount and type of alcohol, the woman will get drunker, and stay that way longer.
The reasons come down to basic physiology. Alcohol passes through the digestive tract and is dispersed in the body's water. Because women always have less water in their bodies, the alcohol is less dilute for them. Women's bodies also produce less alcohol dehydrogenase (ADH)—the molecule responsible for breaking alcohol down so that the body can eliminate it. Less water and less ADH means more alcohol stays in the body, for longer periods of time. "It's like taking the same amount of alcohol and putting it into a much smaller glass," explains Michael Charness, a Harvard Medical School neurologist.
This biologic difference not only means that women have to be careful during those infamous college drinking games, but long-term, women are more likely than men to develop alcohol-related liver disease and brain damage. And women are just as likely to develop alcohol-related heart diseases as men, even though they still tend to drink less alcohol over a lifetime.
Intoxicated women are also far more likely to be the victims of date rape or sexual assault than men. And they are more prone to alcohol-induced blackouts, which can make reporting such attacks difficult.
2. The Wine Myth
One of the biggest misconceptions that women fall prey to is the idea that wine is a safer, healthier choice than the fattening, masculine beer we see in commercials. While wine has some appealing ingredients that other alcoholic beverages do not, (namely a group of antioxidants called polyphenolic compounds that come from grape skin), most experts say it's a myth that wine is healthier. All the risks and benefits of an alcoholic beverage come from the alcohol itself," says Zakhari, explaining that the alcoholic content of wine far outweighs the amount of these other ingredients. "So it doesn't really matter whether it's beer or wine or something else."
3. Breast Cancer Caveat
As for the much-studied link between alcohol and breast cancer, no one can say for certain whether one has anything to do with the other. While research reported at September's European Cancer Conference indicated that women who drank heavily (three glasses a day or more) faced a 30 percent higher risk of breast cancer, numerous other studies over the last decade have shown the opposite—that there is no correlation between alcohol and breast cancer. "The studies have been all over the place," says Zakhari. "The bottom line is that we aren't sure, and women who are genetically predisposed to breast cancer should probably drink less if they want to be on the safe side."
4. The Third Trimester
It's no secret that drinking while pregnant can seriously threaten the health of your unborn child—the risk of fetal-alcohol syndrome (FAS) has long been tied to alcohol consumption during the first trimester of pregnancy, when organs and body features are still developing. That being said, many if not most mothers report being cleared by their doctors for a glass of wine or two once they reach the third trimester—and some evidence suggests that as many as 10 percent of pregnant women drink moderately. Now researchers say that FAS-associated brain damage may result from drinking at any point during a pregnancy, including the final weeks.
How much drinking puts an unborn child at risk has divided the American medical community from its European counterpart for decades. While the United States has adopted a precautionary approach, advising women who are or might become pregnant not to drink at all, Europeans have traditionally condoned a couple of drinks towards the end of a pregnancy. This can lead to confusion (and make Americans seem like prudes to their European friends). But with the French now putting warnings about drinking during pregnancy on their wine, those continental attitudes seem to be changing.
5. Drink and Live Longer?
More research is needed before doctors can say for certain whether alcohol does in fact reduce your chances of suffering from type-2 diabetes or dementia. But most experts do agree that a drink a day can offer at least some protection against cardiovascular disease. "The main benefit of alcohol that we can state with any degree of certainty is that it counteracts the narrowing of coronary arteries that comes with age," says Cynthia Bearer, a physician and associate professor at Case Western Reserve University in Ohio "That benefit is going to be seen really only in the older population—people over 50."
With that bit of certainty comes another conundrum: aging also reduces our tolerance for alcohol, most likely by reducing the amount of water in our bodies. Studies have shown that older adults of both sexes reach higher blood-alcohol levels than younger adults who drink the same amount. So reaching the half-century mark doesn't necessarily mean you should party like a rock star. Moderation is still key, at any age.
What's a Wise Woman to Do?
Take a look at the official guidelines and compare them honestly to your own consumption. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) defines moderate drinking as no more than one drink a day for women, and no more than two drinks a day for men. According to a report by the National Institute of Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse (NIAAA), 13 percent of women who drink surpass this one-drink cut off. And roughly 5.3 million women in the United States drink in a way that threatens their health and safety. "I don't think this means that women are over-estimating the benefits of drinking," Zakhari says. "But people who want to drink may use [the reported benefits] as a way to justify their choices."
While the potential benefits of moderate drinking may be equal for both sexes, the risks are higher for women, which means that women need to be more cautious than men at the bar or liquor store. Those with a family history of breast cancer or alcoholism should probably head for the soft-drink aisle instead. Bottom line, says Zakhari: "If you want to drink for pleasure and you can do it in moderation, that's fine. If you want to drink to combat coronary heart disease, well, there are safer, cheaper and more effective ways of doing that." The most obvious examples are diet and exercise, and for osteoporosis, make sure you are getting enough calcium.
Friday, May 23, 2008
7 Most Common Retirement Mistakes
There's no single formula that will produce a happy retirement for baby boomers. But there are ways to boost the odds you'll retire in bliss rather than misery, experts say.
"About half of today's retirees are really quite miserable in their post-retirement lives," psychologist and researcher Ken Dychtwald has concluded, based on 50,000-plus interviews he has done for his books on aging.
Those retirees end up unhappy because they are unable to adapt to the new retirement model, says Jim McCarthy, a managing director at Morgan Stanley. How to be happy after work ends
"We have tended to look at our lives as being linear and retirement as being the final stage that we enter," McCarthy says. "If you realize that you're not locked in to any one approach or model -- that having 20 or 30 years gives you a lot of time to test out new roles for yourself -- well, you've boosted the odds that you'll succeed at retirement."
Having both time and options is a plus for boomers. But it also "pushes them to think outside their routines, beyond their comfort zone," says Sri Reddy, the head of retirement-income strategies for ING, a financial-services company. "Perhaps the biggest challenge boomers will face is a challenge to their imagination." Quiz: Are you ready for retirement?
As boomers start to act on their imaginations, experts say, there will be common traps to watch out for. Here are the top seven:
1. Exiting before deciding on an encore. Retiring early may seem like a status symbol, signaling financial success. But that doesn't mean it's the right thing to do, says McCarthy, even if you really hate your job.
"You're not ready to retire until you've decided what you're going to do for an encore," McCarthy says.
A retirement-life plan doesn't have to be carved in stone, but it should exist, says Fred Mandell, a former Ameriprise executive.
Mandell, for example, began crafting his plan at age 55, three years before he retired in 2001.
"Once I began thinking about the future, I realized I didn't know what that would involve, and I drew up a kind of business plan around what I thought I might want to pursue."
That led Mandell to explore art -- sculpture, drawing and painting -- and then create a consulting company. Slide show: See Mandell's art
2. Locking yourself in. For many boomers, retirement is the first time in their adult lives to be their own bosses -- that is, if they choose to. If they don't, that's a big mistake, says Jeri Sedlar, author of 'Don't retire, rewire!' and an adviser to The Conference Board, a business research organization, on issues related to the aging work force. The most common problem
"It's unrealistic to try and come up with one giant plan for the rest of your life," she says. Instead, Sedlar advocates breaking up retirement plans into small, bite-size pieces.
"Don't let anyone tempt you into giving them a definitive answer to the question, 'What are you going to do with your retirement?'" she urges. "Figure it out, step by step, along the way."
3. Failing to communicate your dreams to loved ones. Spending decades of your working life with a spouse or significant other doesn't necessarily mean you've shared all your thoughts and dreams about retirement. Oh, and . . . tell your spouse
"One person wants to go and ski; the other wants to join the Peace Corps. That's a recipe for a problematic retirement," says Carlos Lowenberg, a financial adviser in Austin, Texas.
Another financial adviser, Brad Levin of Legacy Wealth Partners in Encino, Calif., has both spouses fill out a checklist of retirement goals -- separately. The two lists often look very different, he says. "Then the challenge is getting them to find middle ground that leaves both feeling they will have a retirement they can look forward to."
4. Leaping before you look. The retirement hall of shame is full of people whose dreams crashed into reality. "What gives you pleasure during a 10-day vacation isn't necessarily what you'll want from a retirement that lasts 30 years," points out Bob Gleeson, a vice president and the medical director of Northwestern Mutual Life Insurance. A retirement test drive?
The same rules apply to a post-retirement career change. Whether you plan to start a business, move to a village in Italy or get involved in philanthropy, the best idea is to test-drive your plans before you begin. Get the skills you'll need; work in the field for a few months before making the leap. Or spend a few weeks in Sicily before you buy a villa.
5. Underestimating your longevity or health-care costs. You've built up a retirement nest egg, but that doesn't mean you should embark on a spending spree. You need to remember that one member of each couple reaching the age of 65 stands a 50-50 chance of living past age 90, and longevity is increasing all the time.
"It's a joke in this business that the ideal financial plan is one where your money lasts a day longer than you do," says financial adviser Levin. "But the nightmare scenario is where someone has structured a financial plan that didn't include the possibility of living beyond 90 -- or of the major health-care costs that pile up late in retirement."
6. Counting on consulting. When it comes to pondering a post-retirement career, the field of consulting is a perennial favorite. But how many newly minted consultants does the market really need?
If you're expecting a consulting business to help pay the bills in retirement, test the waters before you dive in. The same is true of other businesses, says Chris Fahlund of T. Rowe Price.
"We've seen people buy franchises with the thought that this isn't really spending money, but investing, because they are putting it into a business to make money," she says.
The glitch, Fahlund notes, is that a lot of franchises don't work out, and the capital invested to acquire them is lost.
7. Overdoing it. Many boomers may want to avoid the lives of endless leisure lived by their parents in retirement. But it's possible to veer too far in the other direction as well, cautions Tom Rogerson, a financial adviser at BNY Mellon.
"How you go about striking that balance is the question that everyone needs to address," he says. To help his clients find a balance, Rogerson asks them what makes them "relax well enough to sleep at night," he says.
"It turns out that the days they slept well were days that they had been productive at something but had also spent time with friends and family," Rogerson says. So the key to reinventing retirement is hanging on to the best parts of working lives, he says, and replacing the rest with more time devoted to family, friends and other passions
"About half of today's retirees are really quite miserable in their post-retirement lives," psychologist and researcher Ken Dychtwald has concluded, based on 50,000-plus interviews he has done for his books on aging.
Those retirees end up unhappy because they are unable to adapt to the new retirement model, says Jim McCarthy, a managing director at Morgan Stanley. How to be happy after work ends
"We have tended to look at our lives as being linear and retirement as being the final stage that we enter," McCarthy says. "If you realize that you're not locked in to any one approach or model -- that having 20 or 30 years gives you a lot of time to test out new roles for yourself -- well, you've boosted the odds that you'll succeed at retirement."
Having both time and options is a plus for boomers. But it also "pushes them to think outside their routines, beyond their comfort zone," says Sri Reddy, the head of retirement-income strategies for ING, a financial-services company. "Perhaps the biggest challenge boomers will face is a challenge to their imagination." Quiz: Are you ready for retirement?
As boomers start to act on their imaginations, experts say, there will be common traps to watch out for. Here are the top seven:
1. Exiting before deciding on an encore. Retiring early may seem like a status symbol, signaling financial success. But that doesn't mean it's the right thing to do, says McCarthy, even if you really hate your job.
"You're not ready to retire until you've decided what you're going to do for an encore," McCarthy says.
A retirement-life plan doesn't have to be carved in stone, but it should exist, says Fred Mandell, a former Ameriprise executive.
Mandell, for example, began crafting his plan at age 55, three years before he retired in 2001.
"Once I began thinking about the future, I realized I didn't know what that would involve, and I drew up a kind of business plan around what I thought I might want to pursue."
That led Mandell to explore art -- sculpture, drawing and painting -- and then create a consulting company. Slide show: See Mandell's art
2. Locking yourself in. For many boomers, retirement is the first time in their adult lives to be their own bosses -- that is, if they choose to. If they don't, that's a big mistake, says Jeri Sedlar, author of 'Don't retire, rewire!' and an adviser to The Conference Board, a business research organization, on issues related to the aging work force. The most common problem
"It's unrealistic to try and come up with one giant plan for the rest of your life," she says. Instead, Sedlar advocates breaking up retirement plans into small, bite-size pieces.
"Don't let anyone tempt you into giving them a definitive answer to the question, 'What are you going to do with your retirement?'" she urges. "Figure it out, step by step, along the way."
3. Failing to communicate your dreams to loved ones. Spending decades of your working life with a spouse or significant other doesn't necessarily mean you've shared all your thoughts and dreams about retirement. Oh, and . . . tell your spouse
"One person wants to go and ski; the other wants to join the Peace Corps. That's a recipe for a problematic retirement," says Carlos Lowenberg, a financial adviser in Austin, Texas.
Another financial adviser, Brad Levin of Legacy Wealth Partners in Encino, Calif., has both spouses fill out a checklist of retirement goals -- separately. The two lists often look very different, he says. "Then the challenge is getting them to find middle ground that leaves both feeling they will have a retirement they can look forward to."
4. Leaping before you look. The retirement hall of shame is full of people whose dreams crashed into reality. "What gives you pleasure during a 10-day vacation isn't necessarily what you'll want from a retirement that lasts 30 years," points out Bob Gleeson, a vice president and the medical director of Northwestern Mutual Life Insurance. A retirement test drive?
The same rules apply to a post-retirement career change. Whether you plan to start a business, move to a village in Italy or get involved in philanthropy, the best idea is to test-drive your plans before you begin. Get the skills you'll need; work in the field for a few months before making the leap. Or spend a few weeks in Sicily before you buy a villa.
5. Underestimating your longevity or health-care costs. You've built up a retirement nest egg, but that doesn't mean you should embark on a spending spree. You need to remember that one member of each couple reaching the age of 65 stands a 50-50 chance of living past age 90, and longevity is increasing all the time.
"It's a joke in this business that the ideal financial plan is one where your money lasts a day longer than you do," says financial adviser Levin. "But the nightmare scenario is where someone has structured a financial plan that didn't include the possibility of living beyond 90 -- or of the major health-care costs that pile up late in retirement."
6. Counting on consulting. When it comes to pondering a post-retirement career, the field of consulting is a perennial favorite. But how many newly minted consultants does the market really need?
If you're expecting a consulting business to help pay the bills in retirement, test the waters before you dive in. The same is true of other businesses, says Chris Fahlund of T. Rowe Price.
"We've seen people buy franchises with the thought that this isn't really spending money, but investing, because they are putting it into a business to make money," she says.
The glitch, Fahlund notes, is that a lot of franchises don't work out, and the capital invested to acquire them is lost.
7. Overdoing it. Many boomers may want to avoid the lives of endless leisure lived by their parents in retirement. But it's possible to veer too far in the other direction as well, cautions Tom Rogerson, a financial adviser at BNY Mellon.
"How you go about striking that balance is the question that everyone needs to address," he says. To help his clients find a balance, Rogerson asks them what makes them "relax well enough to sleep at night," he says.
"It turns out that the days they slept well were days that they had been productive at something but had also spent time with friends and family," Rogerson says. So the key to reinventing retirement is hanging on to the best parts of working lives, he says, and replacing the rest with more time devoted to family, friends and other passions
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